Low key Christmas

Everyone’s too busy this Christmas it seems… most of my extended family are either out of town or working. In fact, (part of) our family had our early christmas party at our house about a week and a half ago. Super early, huh? So basically there’s nothing much else to look forward to… thankfully I’ve already gotten all my xmas shopping over with, phew… yay for good timing and budgeting skills! Family and I are doing the usual midnight mass at church during Christmas Eve and both parents are working day of, which is definitely something new… that time and a half pay better be damn worth it! Haha. Friends are finally back from school a week after I started my break & aren’t free to hang out ’til after Christmas, which basically means I haven’t done anything this past week and a half lol.  And the boyfriend’s conveniently out of town on a cruise in Asia for the whole entire time I’m on break (2 1/2 weeks to be exact) and I can barely even hear back from him to make things worse, which is a big big BIG bummeroo to me…. Blue Christmas anyone? lol. And talk about a super “ronery” New Year’s =(  sighh….

I actually went on a one-person adventure and took refuge down to the local tide pools last week in a desperate attempt to escape my prison-like home seemingly held under a dictatorship of parentals. Okay, maybe I overexaggerated a little bit. However, the parent-daughter tension was pretty bad at first. This is what happens when you temporarily revert to living at home just like the good old high school days. Just when you wanted some rest from all the school stress you’ve suffered from the past quarter, you get bitched at from your parents for sleeping in til noon and for slacking on the chores. So I just needed a little time to myself and hiked down to Abalone Cove where I sat on the rocks and watched the waves crash nearby… I find it the perfect place to let my mind go free. The sunset was very pleasant to watch, although it would’ve been a lot nicer if I had company to share it with…..

Sometimes you just need to leave everything behind for just a moment..
because this moment’s yours.

 

Unproductivity

I’ve finally decided that I will actually write a blog post that doesn’t involve too much complex thinking and less meaningful insight for the sake of fighting winter break boredom. I’ve given too much thought into my past posts, which probably explains why I’ve been too damn lazy to update this, so this time I’m going to put less effort into the thinking and just type whatever comes to mind. Who thinks during winter break anyway?

In speaking of winter break, I’ve been doing a lot of what the title implies, and that would have to be……. Nothing. Literally. These past two weeks have felt like one of the most unproductive parts of my year. No school, no work, no family plans, no nothing. I’ve even been more productive in the summer. The days are starting to mash together especially since all I do is stay at home and spend some days in my pj’s lol. Boyfriend’s gone this whole entire time & friends aren’t free until after Christmas. I am in desperate need of  a nice run here & there, but stupid me forgot my running shoes at the irvine apartment. Is it wrong to feel wrong for not being productive during winter break? Maybe I should just shut up and just enjoy the times not spent at school. Guess it beats the two weeks of sleepless finals nights and work.

I basically go to sleep around 2-4am these nights computer whoring on facebook and youtube as usual. However I do like fitting a couple of The Office reruns into my nights… nothing beats a good laugh at awkward humor, mm my ultimate fave.

But most of today was spent at the piano for literally hours straight. A little bit of Chopin’s waltzes and etudes… but definitely focused a lot on Rachmaninoff’s Prelude in C Sharp Minor today. Somehow I would not stop playing it… Hm, guess something must’ve really inspired me. This piece would definitely best describe the times I feel a little emo considering that it’s pretty dark & dramatic…  and repeatedly playing it over and over is a good distraction from annoying icky feelings that won’t leave me alone. It feels like now would be the appropriate time for it.

The Office’s Pam & Jim — the cutest couple on TV ever

1st page to Rachmaninoff’s prelude

Story of a Girl (Pt I)

Who would ever have known that fairytale love stories really do exist. It would be like giving life to The Notebook (the epitome of romantic flicks), except that it is beyond reality that romantically perfect couples, such as Noah (Ryan Gosling) and Allie (Rachel McAdams), exist in such an imperfect world. Despite the cheesy clichés of unrealistically perfect love stories and happily-ever-afters, some people however have got me convinced that this ‘true love myth’ is a reality, from what I’ve seen/heard second-handedly… and quite possibly through first-handed experience? (It’s way too early to tell, but that’s a different story…)

Anyway, although silly hopeless romantics, such as myself, dream of  silly things like predestined love, stargazing, and chasing sunsets, there are many realists out there that remain skeptical over true love. And who can blame them? There is no doubt that many of us have been hurt by love before . It is understandable to not want to naively wander down the same path without getting hurt again unless we consult the knowledge of our past experiences and ready ourselves for another try at love. Could love sting as much the next time around? As long as you can trust your heart, it doesn’t hurt to give it another chance. As told by Keri Hilson herself, when love knocks you down, you just get right back up, right?

Well I sort of went on a tangent here although it is pretty relevant to my life at this point, but what I was really setting this up for was a story about a “girl” and a “boy” and, being touched by their story, I was convinced that no obstacle can hinder true love if that is what your heart truly willed for. And that is exactly what this girl’s heart told her. Here’s a story about a girl named Mary Rose…..

A Scene that Never Changes

Although seasons come and seasons go, I can assure that there will always be one thing that’ll remain throughout the year.

It is a sight so majestic and riveting, and yet a soothing calmness sweeps throughout your body as you soak in it’s welcoming rays. The huge fiery ball of golden hues slowly sinks into the horizon of a vast ocean, and soon after, a glowing saffron halo tinged with a vibrant gradient of orange & pink trails behind it. A remnant of golden warmth lingers for a few moments before it finally melts away, leaving an empty, cool blue sky behind til it is then kissed by the mysterious aura of an ivory moon. It is with the elapsing of those precious 60 seconds or so that gives the sense that the world halts to a stop just to wait for the setting of a sun. As your eyes indulge in such timeless scenery, you are caught in an overwhelmingly pleasant disposition.

All the while the audience of silhouetted trees sit and watch and gesture their goodbyes with the waving of their rustling branches through a soft breeze. It is not until the next day when they are granted the priceless opportunity to witness the same thing again. All the while the rest of the world goes on with their own lives with oblivion to such captivating panorama.

And yet sometimes we all live our busy lives to disregard, or rather, take for granted the finer beauties that nature presents to us in it’s own subtle, yet powerful ways. It is because we all know that from day by day and year by year throughout the rest of our lives, it’ll always be there for us to go back to and nothing can and ever will change it for what we think despite our own changing and growing.

But as long as there’s a sunset, I know that I’ll be there, watching.

Silhouetted trees against a glowing horizon.
Photo by noelle

Economic Frivolity

As I sit here on a cold night, somehow the theme of ‘patterns’ sticks to my mind like a fly on a web. The idea of ‘patterns’ thus reminds me of how I’ve learned from my American history english class in high school that “history repeats itself”. Does the phrase strike familiar to you at all? If not, then by now you should have recognized the crisis that currently burdens this nation as a whole as well as the desperate individuals that suffer from what some compare to as the “second Great Depression“. For those who are ignorant towards our country’s economic situation or who completely brush it off in selfishness, they are so absorbed into their own lives that maybe the economy will sneak up from behind and give them a taste of it’s own personal wakeup call.

Hold on to your wallets, folks, because this is going to be a bumpy ride….

An Empty Unreality

Can you imagine a distorted world that’s just crumbling around you. Or maybe its just that your senile self deteriorates while the rest of the world surrounding you remains perfectly fine. Every one of these lonely days you wear a blank stare but it feels like your mind is running 100 mph on its own meaningless garble when all it is is mental vomit. You speak nonsense and you want to move your body the way you want it to. But it seems like all of your degenerating nerves have semi-permanently shut down and have disconnected from its main source, a confused brain that’ll steadily turn into mush if it sat there long enough and inactive in your empty skull. In that scenario you’re helplessly trapped in a psychological war with yourself, in your own little prison, in an imaginative world fabricated from what seems to be an empty unreality. In a suffocating hell where you have no control. Not even in your body. Or maybe even in your thoughts.

The cozy, little Country Villa Nursing Home situated in a busy, urban West L.A. may be that little hell for some. And my grandfather is one of those victims.

Melancholy Weather

The weatherman lied to me today.

Or at least Weather.com did. Supposedly we’re looking at 76 degree weather with a touch of sunshine, but all I have to do is peek out through the blinds of my window and discover that to no avail, nope, no sunshine and it makes me sad (:T). This is definitely not what I hoped for especially during the one week of summer I have left. Only a blank, opaque grey sky frowns back at me… a missing sun scares me so i walk away from the window and back to my laptop, which plays the soundtrack to the french movie, Amelie (one of my most favorites). It makes me really happy and sad at the same time and my indecisive mind doesn’t know which emotion to feel. There’s something about the music that’s vaguely reminiscent.

And so I literally woke up within this hour and to the fact that no one else in my home is here except for lonesome little me, and upon waking I have the urge to write a new blog entry. I also have the notion to take opportunity of the rare, eerie silence in my house and disturb it with my piano playing. Since I have about a week left until going back to Irvine and becoming a student slave once again, I finally have the chance to record more piano videos on YouTube and try to pick up some beginner guitar. It feels so good to not have to wake up early & go to class every day (something I had to do for the last 3 damn months during summer classes), and I question what to do with my free time now. But it feels like there’s just never enough of it.

Please do not stop here. And so my blog entry begins…………………….

So two days ago was my 19th birthday. You ask, wasn’t that September 11? And I reply, Yes it was. The night before, my Irvine friends threw a party for me and no doubt, I am grateful for that and the fact that I have friends there for me, or at least friends that just want to get me really messed up that night. Luckily, I didn’t let that happen.

The next day coming back home on my birthday was a gloomy day however. It could’ve been this melancholy weather, or the fact that I didn’t do anything special, or more likely the fact that the moment I arrived home at 6PM, my family and I had to go back out and drive all the way to Hollywood to visit my grandpa who had been recently sent to the hospital and is in a critical condition. When we finally arrive there an hour and a half later through aggravating traffic and a few minor arguments, visiting hours had closed just a few minutes before we’re stuck behind the massive glass door of the hospital, but we manage to squeeze through and sneak in.

A Dream Worth Interpreting

I literally had just woken up from a weird dream just 8 minutes ago. It is now 8:08am. Surprisingly, I obeyed the first ringing of my alarm clock (which is a snippet of a Foo Fighters song) and managed not to succumb to my heavy eyelids and fall right back asleep as I normally do every time. Maybe it’s the eagerness for me to drive back to my Irvine apartment from home to see my roommates & our fuzzy new hamster roommate. Or maybe it’s my subconscious wanting to escape what I had just dreamed about. I woke up right when the dream was still happening, but the episode was already ending anyway. It seemed so vivid & grotesque that it kind of freaked me out while I was sleeping and when I woke up to replay what I had just imagined.

In my dream, I believe I was with my mom and I wasn’t sure if there was another person with me. It seemed kind of fuzzy at first.. I can’t tell exactly where I was, but I think it was somewhere on the Irvine campus, but it happened to be right next to the freeway and an airplane runway (that’s important). To the left of us looming frighteningly closer and closer towards us in the sky was an airplane, and it looked like it was going to crash. I remember feeling so horrified when I, witnessing the plane falling from the sky, was hoping that my mom and I wouldn’t get hit by it. Luckily, it did not crash into us or crash head onto the ground for that matter, but it skidded across the runway in sparks until it reached a halt and some of it sat in flames. I panicked, terrified, and told my mom that we should call 911. Soon after, paramedics brought out the burned victims onto stretchers and even laid them all out onto the concrete. Their faces were all scarred up and their bodies were bruised and burned.. I tried not to look because it was too terrible to watch. I even saw a baby that had been burned. When I turned my face back to look, families were there to look for their lost loved ones and many of them were crying. Surprisingly, some survived, and it seemed like, they came back from the dead to greet their family. Others, not so lucky, remained motionless and zombie-looking on the ground. Two little Asian boys asked me where their father was, and as I tried scanning the crowd, I could not find an Asian father. I remember feeling really sorry for them.. And then it ended.

A Not-So-Happy Birthday

If there was one thing in my life that I’d constantly be reminded of and joked about (tonight, at the dinner table for instance), it would have to be my birthday. Seriously, if I’d get a dollar for every time someone would bring it up as a joke, I’d be filthy rich by now because I get so much crap for it every single time. But why my birthday, you ask? Shouldn’t it be something to celebrate & remember for all the good memories you’ve had?

Negative. For me, at least.

Instead, I’m stuck with the memory of waking up on my 12th birthday on a weekday morning, walking into my parents’ bedroom only to find them wide-eyed, gaping at the television screen, and I receive a sheepish “Happy Birthday” with a worried look on their faces. Care to wonder why?

First of all, the moving pictures on the television screen repeatedly flashed the hijacked American Airline planes relentlessly being crashed into the unfortunate Twin Towers of the World Trade Center in New York City. Not the ideal way of starting a 7th grader’s birthday.

I go to school that day with the idea that it was my birthday slowly dying in my head. As a happy-go-lucky middle-schooler, usually you would go around telling your friends that it’s your birthday, and when i did, all i got in return was an “Oh, that sucks” or a weak “happy birthday..” accompanied by a sorry look on their faces. I finally gave up the fact that it was my birthday.

Incomplete Metamorphosis

I came here naive, eager, curious, uncertain, and freshly single. I wouldn’t have imagined ending the first year of college with another piercing in my ear, a boyfriend, a lot of mixed memories, and a ton of better judgment.

I came here naive because I was so oblivious to a bigger reality, in terms of difficulty of academics and seeing a different view of how people here can be — maybe they’re not as you think they are, maybe they are. But from what I experienced, there will always be people who point out your flaws and try to make you look and feel bad for it. They may just be doing that to help you become a better person, but really, that is the worst way to do it. You must really pick out the ones you can trust otherwise you start questioning who are your real friends and who aren’t. And I cherish the new friends I’ve made this year, the people who I’ve become closely attached to.

I came here eager because staying away from home gave me a freedom so liberating that I, myself, was my own boss for the time being — I have the right to make my own decisions, but cautiously. Having parents around is a great thing, but not having parents around once in a while.. is another thing. It teaches us some self-discipline from temptation and a lot of responsibilities.

I came here curious because I wantingly had the need to experience some of the things that I haven’t before — I got exposed to alcohol, something I’ve learned to avoid nowadays (excessive amounts, especially) because when you think it’ll wash away your problems, eventually all it does is lead to more problems & regrets.. I would know from first and second-hand experience. I enjoyed the social life having a blast with my hallmates & going to clubs throughout the year.. in the beginning, I suffered from it and the grades showed, but now I’ve learned to limit myself and focus on my academic priorities.. it feels so good to know that the studying did pay off when you see the grade you wanted.